A steady stream of potential new partners can make imperfect matches seem disposable
Do you believe in ghosts? I’ve dated a number of them. I’m obviously not talking about literal ghosts. I’m talking about people whose dating etiquette seems to be inspired by Casper himself (although, even Casper showed levels of commitment and loyalty). Ghost stories used to mean gathering around in the dark with a flashlight and spooking your friends out, but now, ghost stories have transformed into the unfortunate reality of what dating looks like in our generation.
Ghosting, the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone suddenly and without explanation by withdrawing from all communication, has become so prevalent in dating that many of us don’t even care to address how unacceptable that behavior is. We just try to shrug it off.
But here’s the thing—ghosting is not only extremely rude and disrespectful, it can trigger very real issues, and this is not something we should allow ourselves to become desensitized to.
So, let’s start by asking the obvious question: Why do people ghost?
Well, aside from the very simple fact that they can, relationship coach Adam Maynard explains that our “never-ending access to new potential partners online lends itself to thinking imperfect partners are disposable—an attitude that enables ghosting.”
“Ghosters may not like confrontation, so they regularly avoid situations where they think an argument will ensue.”
Additionally, “ghosters may not like confrontation, so they regularly avoid situations where they think an argument will ensue. The direction these conversations end up going in and what gets brought up is also inherently unpredictable, and the ghoster may feel anxious about navigating that uncertainty. They may not trust themselves to stand their ground or get their point across under pressure, so they don’t even open themselves up to that possibility.”
Maynard adds, “They might think they’re not responsible for the other person’s feelings, so there’s no reason to engage with them. Other ghosters can feel incredibly guilty about hurting people—so much so that they’d rather ghost than witness the pain they’ve caused. Some lack the empathic awareness that there’s a living, breathing human being who must now bear the brunt of their decision alone. Others know full well the impact it will have, but they care more about their own ability to easily move on from the relationship.”
Regardless of the ghoster’s motive, the lasting effects on the ghostee, according to Maynard, tends to result in low self-esteem, anger, bitterness and “a skewed sense of disillusionment [that] can cause them to be cynical about new dating prospects. Each of these factors has the potential to hinder their ability to initiate and sustain healthy relationships in the future.”
Now you might think, “that happens with any unfortunate dating experience,” and you wouldn’t be wrong, but ghosting especially can trigger some deeply rooted complications, specifically with abandonment. “Ghosting is the archetypal epitome of abandonment: someone’s here one day, and gone the next. It can trigger deeper-seated abandonment issues because it so closely resembles a painful experience that’s come before,” Maynard tells me.
“This is especially true if you interpret being ghosted as consistent with the story you’ve internalized about how people leave you because you lack something. It’s easy to think, ‘Oh no, it’s happening again!’ as all of those same fears, frustrations and insecurities come rushing back.” Sometimes the act of ghosting is rationalized with the fact that the “relationship” was never that serious anyway, so it didn’t require a formal “breakup,” if you will.
“I didn’t feel that a conversation needed to be had, because low effort is the same as no effort in my eyes and just dropping the ties seemed natural,” Tyler Reddy, 20, tells me of why he’s ghosted in the past. However, he also says, “I do feel remorseful for ghosting, but I feel that I owe myself the apology more than anyone else. Ghosting completes the cycle on watered-down relationships, and that’s something I don’t think is worth my time anymore.”
“Someone simply made a decision not to offer you a basic courtesy. It doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it, or are unlovable.”
While you may find the logic behind ghosting casual interactions, the truth of the matter is that ghosting occurs even in very serious, concrete relationships. Duncan Brown, 31, explains the consequences she faced after being ghosted by her boyfriend of two years. “Getting ghosted brought our entire time together into question. It made me wonder how much of our time together had been genuine, or if any of it was real at all. I wondered what I had really meant to him. I had thought he was my ‘person’ at one time, so it also left me feeling like I couldn’t trust my own judgment.”
She adds that after getting ghosted, she now has a “hard time accepting compliments or kind words as truth.” Meanwhile, 33-year-old James Benoit had the rare occurrence of getting a second chance with the girl he ghosted.“I knew that this girl would be a forever type relationship—maybe that’s what I was afraid of from the start—the commitment of it all,” he tells me.
“I wanted a casual, non-committed relationship at the time, but instead of making that clear, I put myself in a situation that said I didn’t and foolishly backed out of it by saying and doing nothing. But, wouldn’t you know it, on New Year’s Eve 2010, I found myself in the same situation, with the same girl—this time much more prepared and wanting the serious route.”
After “profusely apologizing” for leaving her hanging in the past, Benoit managed to get another chance, and the woman is now his wife. “It taught me that chances in this life are few. Take them as they come, even if you’re not ready for them, because taking the leap is sometimes what you need. Self-awareness is something that you should work on if you think you’re in a situation where ghosting is the only way out. Don’t do it, because you might just lose the best chance you have at making love a reality.”
Clearly, we’re not all lucky enough to get the fairy tale ending to our ghosting stories, so what do we do? Do we just let it go and hope it never happens again? Do we call the person out on their BS?
Maynard explains, “If someone’s ghosted you they’re unlikely to care about or respond to being confronted about their behavior, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it anyway. By speaking up for yourself like this, you’re giving back to yourself what you thought they took from you in the first place.”
If you’re still dealing with the haunting effects of being ghosted, Maynard says, “Take it for what it is. Someone simply made a decision not to offer you a basic courtesy. It doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it, or are unlovable, or anything else like that. Ghosting is just an unfortunate choice, and one that truly doesn’t need to affect how you feel about yourself.”
And if you’re the one who tends to participate in the act of ghosting, consider this nugget of wisdom from Maynard the next time you feel inclined to leave someone on read. “It’s easy to think there’s no harm done when you move on from a relationship without offering the other person closure, because you escape the situation relatively unscathed. But when you ghost you actually reinforce a pattern of behavior that’ll get in the way of the relationships you do want to remain in down the line—whether that’s selfishness, insecurity, avoidance, or emotional unavailability,” says Maynard.
“Because the bar for offering someone the closure that any one of us deserves at the end of a relationship is relatively low, these moments can present easy opportunities to practice a new way of relating to the partners you don’t want that will set you up for success with the ones you do.”